For Those Who Are Wondering…

June 17th, 2010 / Filed Under: Conspiracy Theory / / Tags: , , ,

For those who are wondering what’s happened to me, I wish I knew. I mean, at one level I know what happened, but at another much more important level, I have no clue whatsoever. So let’s start with what I know.

Once you know that people are following you, it’s amazing how obvious it is. It’s not like it’s easy for them to hide when you walk around in public. Just practice the basic tradecraft you see in any spy movie or read in a Tom Clancy novel. Cross the street at random moments. Stop in front of a store window. Then look in the reflection to see who crosses behind you. Walk into a large hotel and then leave by a side door.

After a week or so of this, it was like a joke. Don’t they teach these guys anything? Do they all have to wear the same dark sunglasses? It was so easy. Right up to the moment when it got hard.

They cheated. There were these two guys on the street corner. I didn’t give them a second thought. They weren’t wearing sunglasses. Guy 1 stumbles into my path. I smoothly dodge him. (My ballroom dance background comes in handy sometimes.) Unfortunately, Guy 2 was waiting for this. I felt a syringe punch into my arm. Just as I was falling down from the stupid juice in the syringe, I saw a van pull up and I got shoved inside.

At least, I think it was a van. At this point, it gets a little fuzzy cuz I was kinda trippin’ on whatever it was they gave me. It was either a van with three bad guys or I was inside a dragon with the Black Knight, Sherlock Holmes and a large talking asparagus. Like I said, my money is on it being a van. Maybe. Probably.

We eventually pulled up at the airport. I was a little worried because I didn’t know how the asparagus was going to get his gun through screening but it didn’t seem to be a problem. Sherlock got us through a different gate and some guys in black suits shoved me into a helicopter. The Black Knight was the pilot and Sherlock sat beside me. I was a little disappointed when the asparagus stayed behind. He had a friendly smile.

And it’s not my fault that I threw up on Sherlock Holmes. The Black Knight took off really fast. I don’t think I passed out at this point. I’m pretty sure it was the punch from an enraged Sherlock that put me to sleep.

I didn’t exactly wake up either. It was more like dragging myself up through layers of stupor. I woke up with the taste of 3 day old socks in my mouth. Don’t ask how I know. Different story. Judging from my pants and the condition of my bladder, I had been unconscious for about 2 days. Another different story. I just lay there waiting for my head to stop pounding. When it did, I stood up.

No. I lie. I tried to stand up. Unsuccessfully. I succeeded at falling down. I felt hot and sweaty. I later discovered that that wasn’t my fault. I looked around for the first time. I was in a cell. I pulled myself onto my feet.  I was going to pound vigorously on the door but I realized I would probably just fall down again. So I croaked out something like a yell. “Hey”, I yelled. Go ahead. You think of something more eloquent. That was it. All I had.

The guard must have been standing just outside my door. A little sliding window opened. He looked in.

“Back up,” he  barked.

“Wha?”

“Back up.”

I concentrated really hard. I wanted to be clear this time.

“Wha?”

A scowl crossed his face. He unlocked the door. Isn’t strange how you never appreciate the small details? Like how the door in a cell opens inward. Like how your legs don’t work when you first become conscious after a drug induced sleep. Like how your arms don’t really catch you when you fall backwards when that door hits you and your legs don’t work.

The medic later told me to stop whining. There weren’t many stitches. My problem is that I’m losing hair and the scar is going to be quite visible. Sigh.

Anyway, I woke up being dragged to the shower room. Not sure what happened to my clothes because they weren’t on me anymore. Except that the shower was a big hose and the water was coming at me horizontally. A shower. Kind of. I had to turn around to keep from having important bits torn off. The water pressure was pretty high. Of course, that just created a different problem. No real good solution here. I was also conscious enough to be getting pretty cranky. Peevish, even.

“You guys stop that right now!” You could hear the exclamation mark when I said it.

That produced instant results. They laughed. A lot. Then I was surprised because it seemed that they weren’t using the full water pressure before. They seemed to find this all very funny. It’s nice to meet people who enjoy their work.

They were also quite thorough. Various lotions, potions and powders were administered to make sure I was clean enough to be their prisoner. They pointed at some orange clothes on a bench. Once I was dressed, they took me to the afore mentioned medic.

Just as he was finishing, we heard a call to prayer on the speakers. All kinds of questions came to my mind and none of them found their way to my mouth. But he knew what was going on.

“You need a prayer mat?” he asked.

I shook my head.

“Okay. The guard will take you back.”

I was returned to me cell. I guess I’m not the quickest guy in the world. In all this stuff, I hadn’t asked anybody WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? As the door clicked shut, I turned to look at my cell. It had the usual stuff. A cot, a toilet and a noose hanging from the ceiling.

 

 

 

 

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